Oh yeah...one more thing....
05.11.06 (9:36 am) [edit]Last night I went to a youth church function, just to see how other people are reaching out to the youth. I have officially decided, that I am going to take guitar lessons so I can lead the youth in song. Funny, I have been trying to teach myself here and there for the better part of oh I dunno.......9 years? I figure, that since I cannot sing, I better find another way to lead a worship band, and I have always wanted to know how to play guitar.......now is as good of a time as any I figure.
Because I am cheap.....
05.11.06 (9:20 am) [edit]I thought I would give all of the Mothers that I know out there a big "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!" For those that know me personally know that I am a Momma's boy, to a certain extent.
One story about my mom, one of my favorite/saddest memories of my childhood. This story was what taught me what a mom is.
When I was 4, my mom, who was working two jobs just to keep food on the table as a single mom, was doing the best that she could to provide for me. In every aspect, as far as clothes, toys, crayons, paying the bills....etc. I had no idea how much she was providing for me/our happiness. One day, she made an attempt to surprise me by taking me to an event being held at my daycare. I don't remember specifics of what the event was supposed to be and such, but I do recall that the event as it turned out was not a Parent-Child activity, it as more like a Father-Son activity. So mom shows up, holding my hand telling me how much fun we were going to have at this event......her and I together. I was excited. Well, I remember going to the registration desk, and mom saying, we are here for the event. I remember the guy behind teh desk saying....well, sorry to inform you that there is nothing that I can do for you......but this is a Father-Son event, not Mother-Son. My mom said, look I am a single mom, his dad lives in Georgia, I am all that he has, please can't you let us go? Nope. The guy wouldn't budge. Mom and I left, she doesn't know it, but I looked up and saw tears on her cheeks. This vision has stuck with me through 24 more years of life after that. My mom was also trying to be my dad as well. Tough work for a single mom.
I love my mom to pieces, I would do anything for her. Although, now at times she can drive me batty, I still love her through it all.
So Happy Mothers Day to all of the Moms that I know that read this. Give your mom a hug this weekend, tell her how much you love her......even if at times she can drive you batty.
Love ya mom
You read my mind!!
05.10.06 (8:16 am) [edit]I can't tell you how many times I wrote this song in my head, but Augustana beat me to it by actually putting it to paper.
Ladies and Gents, I give you Boston by Augustana off All the Stars and Boulevards album
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...
You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
Essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...
You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...
Take you Back
05.09.06 (8:52 am) [edit]Take you Back by Jeremy Camp
The reason why I stand
The answer lies in you
You hung to make me strong
Tho my praise was few
When I fall I bring your name down
But I have found in you
A heart that bleeds
Forgiveness replacing all these thoughts of painful memories
And I know your response will always be
Chorus:
I'll take you back always
Even when your fight is over now
I'll take you back
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back
You satisfy this cry of what I'm
looking for And I'll take all I can
and lay it down before
The throne of endless grace now
that radiates what's true
I'm in the only place that erases
all these faults that have overtaken me and
I know that your response will always be
(Chorus)
I can only speak with a graceful heart
As I'm pierced by this gift of your love
I will always bring an offering
I can never thank you enough
You take me back always
Even when my fight is over now
You take me back
Even when the pain is coming through
You take me back
Biggest Fear
05.09.06 (8:48 am) [edit]What is your biggest fear? I had an opportunity to talk to my Youth Group this past week about fear. So what is your biggest fear?
Mine is that I feel like I spent so much of my life being selfish, seeking pleasures, being materialistic, and seeking relationships with girls. I kept thinking that these things were the things that life was all about.....all trivial non-relavent stuff.
So what is my biggest fear? I feel like I spent so much time being concerned with all of these things that I am now making up for lost time trying to serve. I know, understand, and accept that it is all part of a plan. I told someone the other day what my description of "Today" is. My description of today is simple....Today is exactly what it is supposed to be. That is it. It's that simple. However sometimes, it is easy to slip back and think....man, if I wasn't chasing all of those things that mean nothing, I could be at another point in my life today. But I remind myself.....today is exactly what it is supposed to be. Then all is better.
Once I accepted that my life is all part of a plan, with human choice sprinkled in for effect and character building, I felt this weight lifted, and life then became so simple, less complex, and for once in my life I felt free. I still feel free, and with each passing day, I feel even more so.
Life is great, once you understand it really isn't yours. Every once in a while, events happen, like for me....last week.....I felt really bad for a day, thinking every relationship that I am in is destined to fail. Not true. Now that I have time to reflect, I now understand that when/if I find that one, it will not fail. Exciting!
I think that is all for now.....I think I could blab more....but I am sure you are ready for me to stop.
If you want to know about it, you know how to contact me.......Since I cannot figure out, or rather do not have the time to figure it out, but I am listening to a guy named David Garza, his CD called This Euphoria. He comes highly recommended by Jeff Ament, compairing him to Jeff Buckley, so how can you go wrong right?
Kinder by David Garza
Ooh I got the oceans here in a little bag
It's in my back pocket, just look for yourself
Yeah, and I got the forests tied up in a little pouch
It's all around my neck, just hanging right here
Ooh I'd like to tell you what I think about you baby but I can't say it
Ooh I'd like to tell you what I think about you baby but I can't say it
Cause I'm a nice guy
Step inside of my new, kinder love
Step inside of my new, kinder love
Me and your heart, we're one and the same
Ooh I got the heavens wrapped up, they're all mine
I lay with the angels and I sleep with the saints
Yeah, and I got the sun wrapped up in a little stash
It's in my top drawer, yeah it's just sitting right there
Ooh I'd like to tell you what I think about you baby but I can't say it
Oh, I'd like to look at you in the eye mother but I can't say it
Cause I'm a nice guy
Step inside of my new, kinder love
Step inside of my new, kinder love
Me and your heart, we're one and the same
This made me cry!!
05.03.06 (7:00 am) [edit]From a parent of one of the Youth at my church.
I have to tell you that I am absolutely extremely amazed with the
e-mails that I have read from you over the last week or so --- they are
truly written by a mature Christian man and we are truly blessed to
have
you working with our youth! I know I am totally comfortable having
part
of my daughter's spiritual life being led by you --- and I have to
believe other church parents feel the same way! You can not
imagine
how much that means! I love you man! Big hug!
This is an e-mail from my good friend K, who has been a brother to be for years. He used to be my youth group leader when I was a pup, and now, I am the youth leader for his daughters, and eventually will be the youth leader for his son.
Life has a cycle. A good friend of mine told me to picture it like a horizontal spiral, with events that keep happening in your life until you learn from them, and get it right. It has taken me 28 years of life to come to this conclusion........I love people, and sometimes to a fault! Sometimes I open myself up to quickly, and before I know it, my heart is exposed. If there is a weakness, then that is one of many of mine. Opening up way to quickly......but the thing is, I am not certain I can help it. Any ideas?
Am I OK???
05.02.06 (2:26 pm) [edit]I haven't decided yet. Though I will tell you, you get a strange feeling in your eyes when you cry and you have your contacts in.
Gone
05.02.06 (12:33 pm) [edit]No more upset mornings
No more trying evenings
This American Dream I am disbelieving
When the gas in my tank feels like money in the bank
Gonna blow it all this time, take me one last ride
Oh the lights of the city, they only look good when I'm speeding
I wanna leave em all behind me cause this time I'm gone
Long gone,
This time I'm letting go of it all
So long,
This time I'm gone
In the far off distance
As my taillights fade
No one tends to witness but they will someday
Feel like a question is forming
And the answer's far
I will be what I could be
Once I get out of this town
For the lights of this city
They have lost all feeling
Gonna leave em all behind me cause this time I'm gone
Long gone,
This time I'm letting go of it all
So long,
Long gone, I'm letting go of it all
Yeah, This time I'm gone
If nothing is everything
If nothing is everything I'll have it all
If nothing is everything then I will have it all
Happy Pearl Jam day!!!
05.02.06 (8:56 am) [edit]Well,
Lots to share. Most of the people who come here to read my stuff already know, but I will say it again. My gf and I have decided to part ways, we still have yet to meet face to face to tell each other, but in typical fashion in our relationship, everything has been done over the phone. We both, oddly have been feeling the same things in terms of our relationship, and we both decided mutually that althought it sucks, and we don't even remotely come close to hating each other, it might be just a matter of time before we do. It might be best to break things off, permanently for now, but as we both have stated, you never know what will happen in the future. We both believe that the main thing that happened in our relationship that proved to be the wedge in our relationship was lack of time. We both have extreme passions to help people, however in different ways. But both of these passions seem to have kinda brought us apart. Sadly.
It might be easier of either one of us didn't like something about the other, but we don't. We both still love each other, and we both admire each other greatly. Sometimes, I guess you need more than love to make something work, I you need time to spend with one another.
I also get this impression that maybe there might be another reason why we didn't work, and it goes with the lack of time, but also my accepting the positon at my church. I think that she felt my heart being pulled into ministry, and she found that was going to be one more thing that she was going to have to find time in her life to support. I feel bad for putting her in that position.
I could go on, but I think I will stop now. I might go on later, hopefully I won't though, because it isn't making accepting it easier.
Questioning....
05.01.06 (12:22 pm) [edit]Well, I could tell you all of my trials involving relationships. That would force me to take a trip back into time. Which would also force me to feel pain, guilt, suffering, and everything else that goes along with it. The past I believe is where the problems of today exist. They say that history repeats, and I am starting to agree. I think it is part of a learning process really, what sets the pattern in your youth, is what consumes your future.
Me? I was doomed to lead a life full of relationships where as soon as the road gets rough I want to jump ship. This never used to be my approach, I was taught this, and guess what, now it is my choice to apply it to my every relationship since. I am in a relationship right now where I believe my gf and I have been fighting for the better part of three weeks....on and off.....from the stupid to the complex, but all in all they have been arguments. Thing is, with each passing one, I feel two things.....guilt and less and less want to correct the problem. The lack of wanting to correct the problem is what makes me feel guilty. Then when I feel guilty, I feel like the relationship is on the outs, and then I feel even more guilty because I feel that I will get crap from my friends and family, because I have brought another person into their world, just to have me yank them away.
So what is the cause of all of this relationship madness? Guilt. Gotta let it go. Guilt from the past can comsume and dominate your present and future. I think that is what is happening to me right now. For every relationship that gets hard, I keep asking myself, is it really supposed to be this hard? I dunno. I didn't used to think that it was, but with every relationship that I get myself into I think that now I am "grown up" means I am supposed to know exactly what I want out of life. Guess what? As far as relationships and love with a significant other goes, I haven't a clue. I mean I know what I want....but I have no idea how to get there.....especially right now. Is that a sign that I am doomed? I dunno. But I am sure that future postings will let you know.
What sucks though is that as of now I have no idea. I am kinda impatient.