Given To Fly

Lots of catching up to do!!!

As promised I told you all that I would write a little something about swing dancing, Pearl Jam on SNL, Easter, a business trip, and the Da Vinci Code.  Well, I have decided to scratch the part about the Da Vinci Code because I want to.  Instead, if time allows, I will write a little something about my past weekend.

These things happened last weekend so you will have to bear with me as it seems like a year ago.

First of all Ben Harper was on David Letterman two Thursdays ago, and he was AMAZING, I cannot wait to see him live!

Swing dancing.  Now I am far from a dancer of any kind, and I dare not give you the impression that I am.  However, I will tell you this; it is really easy to learn dance moves of this style, because it is all about repetition.  Isn’t that what they say hell is?  Repetition?  Kidding.  Seriously….here goes the swing dancing story.  Had a few margaritas prior to going, because well they sounded good.  By the time I got there, they could have told me we were going to do pole dancing, and I would have say, uh…..ok.  I’ll do it!  Because once you get to drinking margaritas….to quote Will Ferrell from Old School….”it tastes so good once it hits your lips.”  Better words may have never been spoken, very wise Hank the Tank!  We did what is called the East Coast Swing, differing from the West Coast.  I think the difference from East to west, is that West is the one where you throw your partner all over the place, on your back etc…..East Coast is a little more conservative I would say.  I was told that we might have picked the wrong dance to start taking lessons as the partners do not mirror each other’s steps, still, as long as I knew what I was doing, it seemed that we were able to do just fine.  My girlfriend has much experience in dancing, and she loved it and had a great time.  I had a great time watching her more than the challenge of learning something new.  I wish I could have watched her dance when she did it competitively, that would have been fun!

Pearl Jam on SNL…..they blew the roof off the place, especially with their performance of Severed Hand!  That was AWESOME!  I can’t wait to see them live in 40 days.  Yeah, the count down has begun!

Easter….I can’t remember…..sorry.  The only thing that I was going to write about I think was the comparison between Santa and the Easter Bunny.  I think 9 out of 10 kids maybe more scared of the Easter Bunny than Santa.  Reason why……bunny rabbits aren’t human sized, and they certainly do not walk on their hind legs.  Santas look like they could be your grandpa, i.e.…..they look human.  Easter bunnies are nothing more than a Hallmark employees bad acid trip. 

Business Trip…

Was lots of fun.  I was able to learn a lot of new and cool tips associated with work and such.  I could go into detail, but I don’t want to bore you….of course, if you have read this far you are already bored.  The best part about the trip was hanging with all of my co-workers.  We usually only see each other twice a year I think, but we talk everyday, so it is always good to see them in person.  Also, it is good to catch up and hang with sis, we have so much in common, and I feel like an over protective older brother when we talk and such.  I dunno why, but I do.  We do have a connection that is unexplainable, but it is a connection that isn’t in the form of a relationship type of thing, but more of a family sort of thing.

This past weekend…..finally this will bring the blog up to date……I was up for 30 plus hours.  But I will start with Friday evening, I made calls to get a perspective of who cares to get involved with the youth at my church……see ms that there are quite a few that want to be involved, or at least hear what my vision is.  So I was inspired, it will be exciting.  I plan on having a meeting soon to share the vision with everyone, and get feed back and ideas as well.  I am excited; it should be lots of fun.  Saturday, I woke up at 8, made myself some blueberry pancakes, yummy!  Hung out for a while, and then went to a dance recital for one of my youth, who I am very close with….another younger sister sort of thing.  She is the daughter of some very good friends of mine who are family, so it only makes sense that she feels like a younger sister.  It was cool to watch her enjoy something, even though her knees are killing her, she still enjoyed it.  After that it was pretty much all helping out with after-prom stuff from basically 9:30pm to 6:30am.  Then I took a shower and went to church.  It was youth Sunday, so they were the driving force behind the service, I was proud; they did a really good job with all of the skits, singing, solos, and even dance.  It was good stuff!  Towards the end of one of the skits, which consisted of a girl who was very excited to tell all of her friends about being involved in church, and Christ, she said….”Oh hey, I can’t talk a lot right now, I have to get ready to go to the Bible Study that is lead by our wonderful new Youth Coordinator (name inserted here).  Then everyone turned around to smile and clap at me.  I got teary.  It means a lot to think that I can make a difference in other people’s lives, and preparing them to be a follower of Christ.

So after service, I went home to sleep for a few hours, power napping……wo ke up, and had no idea what so ever where I was, what time it was, and if I was supposed to get up and go to work or not.  Nope….it was off to have my Bible study with the youth, and for a change of pace, rather than drilling them with scripture after scripture, I took them out to a local custard place, and bought them a custard concoction of their choice.  Then after we got back to the location where we usually have the study, I gave them a few scriptures and we briefly talked about dating, joys of it, and pressures often associated with it.  Then I told them, reason why I took them out…..I said, in any good relationship, people should be able to show one another the appreciation that they have for the other, out of feelings and out of respect.  I told them, I cannot find a way to give back to them what they give to me.  I told them at the end of each opportunity that I have to lead the study; I grow more and more blessed to share this experience with them.  I literally cannot sleep at night for a while after having the study because I am so excited and happy to share the word and life’s experiences with them.

I spoke with my sister this weekend as well….my real life sister, I need to share that story sometime….

She told me I sounded differently, something in my voice….she is so keen about me, she can pick a lot up just by talking with me over the phone.  I told her about all the things that have been happening in my life, and then I told her I am the Youth Coordinator or Youth Minister/Pastor (as some people call me) at my church.  She said I think that is it….how did you get involved.  I spent the better part of 10-15 minutes making an attempt to explain to her that through the course of my life to this point God has been leading me to this point in my life.  I told her that literally one morning I woke up and thought, you know with everything that I want to have control of in my life, I have none.  I also told her, and this might have driven it home, is that today is exactly the way that it should be, and I think that is the answer to it all.  God is in total control of everything around us and of our lives, and once you submit all of your feelings of control to Christ, life is so good after that.  I think for a moment, I shook my sister’s world, and she is one of the smartest people I think I know….she was for a few moments, speechless.

Anyway, if you made it this far in the ramblings…… thanks for reading, until next time!

The waiting is the hardest part.

To help ease your pain....I have decided to do sort of a re-run posting.....i posted this back in 04 sometime.  I am still trying to the point where I can write, but again NO TIME!!

DVD's and the great Wal-Mart conspiracy.

01.02.04 (7:14 am)
So the other night I went to the local Wal-Mart and raided the buy two DVD's for $11 bin. It is kinda like excavation at a old egyptian tomb or something, because the further you dig, you never know what you are going to find. I am always in search for horror and cheesy sci-fi movies, they are my favorites by far. On of my favorite cheesy sci-fi movies of all time was sitting right on top, Dark City. The ending of this movie always messes with me. I have always been a fan of movies that have the plot of the human race being nothing more than an experiement.
So I dug, because you know how you are when you are digging in the value bin, you can never just get the one movie, you have to get both so you can indeed spend the $11. So I dug for that one movie, the one that would make all of this digging worth it, Howard the Duck hmmm, I'll pass.....I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.....maybe later........The Exorcist III.....possibly.....then there it was, sitting there in the middle of the bin..A Nightmare On Elm Street 1. Are you kidding me? In the value bin? This is mine! So I brought this thing to the counter with the feeling like I had found the Lost Arc of the Holy Convenant...Dark City Rings up.....5.50, yep, that's right....now for Nightmare....come on, Sam Walton has got to be spinning in his grave right now, 5.50 for Elm Street!? Beep, the checker passes the DVD through.....9.88. Grrrrrr! That was in the 2 for 11 bin I told the lady. She said well, I can have a price check on it, sometimes people will just put a DVD in there on mistake. Really? So as she was reaching for the phone, for the price check, I turned, and saw about 10 people in line behind me with a look on their faces like, if you let her go through with the call, we are going to lynch you outside. I told the lady forget it, I'll just get the movie.....
I have a theory. I was set up. Wal-Mart employs nothing but a bunch of blue smock scam artists. They probably have a person who comes in late at night, and throws regular price products in with the value merchandise. Then when the person is getting ready to pay, it rings across as it's regular price, and the shopper is so worn out by wrestling and shoving their way around Wal-Mart, they don't have the energy to put up another fight, so they just say give me the damn movie.
I once worked at a Wal-Mart, as a 5 am to 2 in the afternoon stocker. I worked in the HBA department..Health and Beauty Aids.....I stocked everything from hairbrushes to tampons to condoms.....and I am not making this up, condoms were in aisle 69. Tell me that wasn't set up! Yet another Wal-Mart conspiracy!
So if any of you have a suggestion for good horror and sci-fi movies let me know, and I will check them out.
I watched Soylent Green last night......IT'S MADE OF PEOPLE! What a classic line!
So following the eating people theme....I have a song of the day...Dirty Frank by Pearl Jam. It was originally a B-Side on the Jeremy single. Now it can be found on the great Lost Dogs compilation.

Dirty Frank

Dirty Frank Dahmer, he's a gourmet cook...
Got a recipe for famous ankle soup.
Wanted a pass, so she relaxed...
Now the little groupie's getting chopped up in the back.
Got a cupboard full of fleshy fresh ingredients.
Very careful, at the same time quite expedient.
Eats meat, a release...
Bus driving's harder on your head than on your feet.

Dirty frank! [4x]

Keeps it clean, keeps it copasetic.
The little boys and girls, their heads are all collected.
Not crazy, per se...just a little strange when he gets hungry.
City, state, your town, he will continue.
Stadiums, tiny clubs, every venue.
His bus, your trust...There goes another turned into crust.

Dirty frank! [4x]

(Watch it now... )
Why that dirty Frank was a bad mother...
Shut your mouth!
Hey man, I'm just talking about Dirty Frank!
(cook... there those fucking kids are driving me crazy... )

Middle of the night, we're stopped, the freeway shoulder.
Frank's shoveling to bury the leftovers.
They're sunk...he's drunk.
Now he's gonna drive, I'm hiding in my bunk.
The band all knows, we're too afraid to mention.
Don't want to be part of frank's luncheon.
Lose weight, be safe...
Where's Mike McCready?
My god, he's been ate!

Dirty Frank! [5x]
Frank... [3x]
Dirty Frank! [3x]

(He's gone fruit loops... it's the perfect job)

Cook 'em just to see the look on their face...
Cook 'em just to see the look on their face.
[10x]

(Mommy, mommy, I'll just sing to my mommy... )

Why that Dirty Frank was a bad mother...
Shut your mouth!
Hey, I'm just talking about Dirty Frank!

Dirty Frank! [3x]

Why that Dirty Frank was a bad mother...
Shut your mouth!
Hey, I'm just talking about Dirty Frank!

Time waits for no man!

I'll have fun.....BUT....

Man she will owe me!  She will at least have to go to a movie of my choice or something.  BACKGROUND INFORMATION.....uh.....I can't dance, and whenever I try....and I mean "try" I feel very strange, out of place, etc.  The only place I feel I can dance is when I go to a concert, yeah....I have what is called my Pearl Jam dance.  Can't describe it, but I think it is the only music that moves me to dance.  In church, when they play a certain song, I am moved to move....not dance, more of a sway.  Some of my favorite Christian Contemporary songs right now.....I really like Hands of the Potter by Caedmon's Call (my church doesn't play this song), and Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns. 

Anyway...I can't dance.....so, here is what I have to say.  Tonight, I am going swing dancing.  My girlfriend loves to dance.  She was a competitive dancer up to her later teenage years, so she loves it.  So I am going......for her....love is sacrifice right?  Eh, I know I will have fun, these days I can find fun in nearly everything.  I just hope I don't look like a moron.

Wish me luck!

Too preachy....Learn to Appreciate the Beauty of Grey

So in anticipation of the new CD which I think at this point goes without saying, I have read a number of opinions of what people think of Pearl Jam.  One of the most common things is "nothing will ever beat Ten." or "they have become way to preachy for my liking."  Both of which are cool, because everyone is entitled to have their own opinions.

So when thinking about the latter statement of being preachy, I come to this conclusion.  I think that you will find that for nearly all musicians of the modern age, one thing that most agree on is that the Beatles where one of the most influential bands of our time, perhaps of all time.  Then John did his thing, and wrote two songs in particular that were what I would call preachy.  So This Is X-Mas, and Imagine.  Both wanting peace and basically saying that war sucks.  Well, I have never read where John was considered too preachy......

So I have come to think that people get so caught up in boundaries of what is right and what is wrong that there is no freedom, no grey area to which one can ponder it all.  I also think that along with this, when a person says......man I used to like U2, Pearl Jam, or REM, but they became way to preachy for me, you have become close minded, as art is a form in which the artist can take the liberty of putting thoughts to paper, clay or music sheet.  Granted I realize that in this wonderful country we live in, people are able to choose what they want to see, or hear.  However, I think that people are way to easy to judge something as being to preachy, when it could probably be better said, that you simply do not want to hear what these bands are saying.  You want to shut yourself off to a world that is currently angry in nature, that people are starving, and this planet is growing more and more polluted with each passing day. 

So what is it about preachy that is a bad thing?  That you might suddenly find ourself proactive about wanting to do something?  Well, that might inturrupt your entire life!  I think that life needs interruption.  Preachy can come in all forms, a sermon, a book, a piece of art, or by talking to a good friend.  I tend to think that preachy should actually mean challenge.......

So I challenge you to listen and observe, look around you find something in your world that brings a challenge to you, something that you feel a great passion for.  It could be art, music, God, your own spirituality, family , or someone special in your life.   

This may be the most poorly formed post I have ever created......as I feel so passionately that God did not provide us these minds and freedom of choice to sit back and judge, but to explore and figure it out on our own, and not to be so black and white, or easily offended.  As Live (the band) once said in one of their better songs "We will all get to appreciate the beauty of grey."  One can only hope.   

T-Shirt

If anyone can tell me where I can get the shirt that says....

Johnny Damon..

Looks like Jesus

Loyal (or acts) like Judas

Throws like Mary

let me know!

Review.....

Well here is my stab at a review.  Granted, I only have the leaked songs, But after the at least the 20th time through the album, I want to give my stab at it.  Am I doing an injustice by giving my review without the aid of clarity of songs?  I am uncertain.  But I cannot wait to give a review, the urge to share my feelings, thoughts and observations is taking over....

You know, I had a whole bunch written here.....but I found this to be endless, how do I write a review of this album?  Song by song?  The album as a whole.  It is impossible.  It is like trying to explain an emotion, how it makes you feel and how it starts, and how things remind you of times and places, etc.......there is no way that I could begin to tell you how good this album is other than a few words....this will be very short.

Life Wasted......a rock song....simply put, some very nice jamming at the end of the song, I am picturing an extended jam live.  My favorite line....

the world awaits just up the stairs
leave the pain for someone else
nothing back there for you to find
or was it you you left behind

Worldwide Suicide......what do I need to say?  I am sure you have heard this song, and hopefully fell in love with it as much as I did when I first heard it.  The stations here in Kansas City don't play this single near enough, prefering to play stuff off of Ten and Vs, even after repeated harping from me to play it more.

The following line is CLASSIC sounding Pearl Jam

Looking in the eyes of the fallen
You got to know there's another, another, another, another
Another way

Comatose....emotional, angry, raw......classic Pearl Jam.  Love it the first time I heard it, and still love it.  I compare it to Satan's Bed a little bit in the angry, raw sound.  Cannot wait to do my Pearl Jam dance to this song live!

Severed Hand.....starts out with a strange sequence of sounds kind of like a Soundgarden song, Birth Ritual maybe?  Again, amazing song.  hard hitting, classic.

Marker in the Sand......what can I say?  Seriously?  AMA ZING!  Ed out did himself with the lyrics to this song!  Seriously!?  What can I say.......infact, I challenge you to form your own opinion.

Parachutes.......THE BEST SONG ON THE PLANET!  Hands down, nothing comes close.  Some have that Yellow Ledbetter is PJ's nod to Jimi Hendrix.....well I think that this is a nod to the Beattles off the White Album.  First time I heard this song, I was sitting at my desk here at work, I litterally stopped what I was doing, I became frozen.....I couldn't do anything but get lost in the music.......frozen.  

My favorite line.....

Break the sky and tell me what it’s for
I’ll travel there on my own

In the middle of that line, Mike breaks in.....ALWAYS gives me chills.

Unemployable.........they bounce back from a couple of slower paced songs with this song.  Tells a story that reminds me much of Sleight of Hand.

Big Wave......a punk song about surfing.  Makes me want to surf, but I am in Missouri!!

Gone.......Haunting.  I can't remember ever hearing PJ like this.  I loved the live version that was played last year.  I got lost in this song much like Parachutes.  Another classic tune.  Seriously, there is no other band that gives me this feeling of freedom where I can escape with music into a world that only I can feel, get lost in, hide in.

Wasted Reprise....BOOOOOOOOM!!!!  I really hope he tours again with the band.  Chills again.  Something about Ed's voice and only one instrument, be it a harmonica, guitar, UKE, or his own voice being louped.....always give me chills.

Army Reserve....favorite part of the song is the chorus, Matt in the back ground with the drums, driving Ed's voice......hope they play this live.

Come Back.......Could be the second best song in the world right now........combats with Parachutes on a daily basis to take the spot.  Pearl Jam does the blues, and they do it beautifully!  Again, froze the first time I listened to it.  For anyone who has experienced love and love lost, this song is for you.....be it the love lost via a break-up, divorce, or even death......again....who hasn't felt this way about someone!?!?  I listened to this song at least 10 times over and over again.....each time......remembering those feelings of being with out someone.

Then on the 8th day Pearl Jam created Inside Job.......first word that came to mind when I heard it was EPIC!  Instant classic, simply amazing.  Music and some of the lyrics written my Mike, who knew that this was in him!?!  This is Pearl Jam my friends.  Ed.....the voice, it haunts, it and at times hurts.....hurts me......I will get lost in awe of the greatest band to ever make music if I hear this live.........

I will be going to see them in New Jersey 6/3/06, and again in Cincy 6/24/06, and (hopefully) if they announce shows in Kansas City and Saint Louis. 

How do you explain the passion, the love that you have for Pearl Jam to your girlfriend of a year, who has never been to a Pearl Jam show, and hasn't seen you cry every time you hear them play Given to Fly live?  Or wasn't there the first time you heard them play Black, or Jeremy live while you and your best friend held each other up crying tears of joy as you finally got a chance to see Pearl Jam live?  That was me and my best friend when we finally saw Pearl Jam play in Kansas City 07/03/1998, after sharing dreams since the Ten days that we would see them play live.  I will never ever forget the first song that I heard PJ play live Corduroy...."The waiting drove me mad!"  Fitting, very fitting!

My love of mixed cd's

Yesterday on my way home, I decided to plug in a mixed cd that I haven't listened to for a long time.  It was entitled JB....knowing that it was a collection of my favorite Jeff Buckley songs, I decided to plug it in.  This song came on, and it has been stuck in my head ever since.  So my suggestion, run, do not walk to your favorite local record shop and pick up Grace by Jeff Buckley, an AMAZING album from an AMAZING singer song writer.  If you have 20 bucks that you want to spend, this is one of the smartest purchases you could ever make for yourself!  Infact, anything from Jeff is brilliant, but this will give you a good head start.  If you like it I highly recommend Live at Sine as your next purchase......then I recommend setting a mood where you can turn off all distractions for a little over two hours and bathe in the music that is Jeff Buckley.  

So here you have it, Lover You Should Have Come Over, off the Grace album by Jeff Buckley.  And if you like the song, Jamie Cullum has a really good version of the song. 

Please Stay Tuned.....

ONE LUCKY FAN has a review of the upcoming Avacado, soon I will do the same, song by song I will write my review.  ONE LUCKY FAN, I have to tell you, if you come here to read my drivel, first of all I am flattered.  Secondly, I am extremely jealous.  I have been a PJ fan since the Ten years, and when I saw that pic of you and Ed....I saved it to my computer and morphed my face on yours.  Ok I didn't, but still I was obviously jealous.  Pearl Jam = life........in my humble opinion.  And I think that you understand this. 

Anyway, I really liked your review of the new album, I look forward to diving into my leaked songs and reviewing as well. 

+ Just thought that I would add........I have already pre-ordered the album, and I sincerely hope that the original source of the leak had done the same.....if he/she is a PJ fan, I am sure they did as well.  Also, another side note, my favorite Pearl Jam album of all is Yield, not only did it come out during one of the best times of my life, but it has a deep history with me, it's music has been with me in places that will always live on in my mind.

Mystery writer, please stand up

Left me a comment....James Blunt huh??  Yeah, I heard that song.....I used to listen to the song all of the time when I first heard of the guy in December.  The rest of his CD is good too, the guy has a captivating voice. 

Come back

My hands on the avacado.....

Yeah, that's right.  I have the rest of it......more new songs......happy Monday!!!

WOW!

So.....in the past few weeks I have written about how I applied to be the Youth Coordinator at my church.  Last night I met with the church Pastor and the current youth leader, and I was offered the position.  I took it of course without hesitation.  I start Sunday.  I could go on and on repeating everything that I have said over the past few weeks, but I won't.  Now it is time to push the sleeves up and get to work. 

I am blessed and thankful to be given an opportunity to serve my chruch while working through with the Youth.  I ask for your prayers those of you who may feel so called to do so as I take this position. 

Song of the Day......Blessed to be a Witness by Ben Harper off the Diamonds on the Inside album......

corcovado parted the sky
and through the darkness
on us he shined
crucified in stone
still his blood is my own
glory behold all my eyes have seen
have seen

i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed to be a witness

some have flown away
and can't be with us here today
like the hills of my home
some have crumbled and now are gone
gather around for today won't come again
won't come again

i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed to be a witness

so much sorrow and pain
still i will not live in vain
like good questions never asked
is wisdom wasted on the past
only by the grace of god go i
go i

i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed to be a witness

i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed
i am blessed to be a witness

Oh yeah.....AND...

For Boston.....for Boston.....

First week of baseball.....first commentary of the Sox season so far.  First impressions, Manny is more focused, BUT....when is he going to get his bat off his sholder?  Schilling looked very good, I really hope he holds up for the whole season.  Beckett looked very good last night too (more about him coming up).  I am concerned about Foulke who might have something wrong with him.  Last night Papelbon came in a closing situation and saved the game, granted he looked amazing, BUT what is the deal with Foulke????

Every year, I usually pick a player to root for hard core off the Sox.....I do this because in the modern day of sports, it doesn't make any sense to root for one player on your favorite team and expect him to be there next year.  Case in point.....NOMAR!  I still love Nomar (if he can stay off the DL) but again, there are no signs that your player will be with your team next year.  This year I am going to pick two players to cheer on all year......and they are.....David "Big Papi" Ortiz, and Josh Beckett.

Beckett is intense, I loved to see the fist pumping on the mound last night after a K.  And Papi is Papi, how could you not like the guy?  I mean look at him!!!!  He has a face only a mother could love, but the man can swing a bat!  Plus he is Mr. Clutch.  Beantown loves him, and I love him.

People who I still cheer for, even if they do not wear a Sox uni any more......Nomar, Arroyo, Millar, and Arroyo.....did I mention him twice???  I miss the guy, I mean he was a Red Sock, and he is a musician, put out a CD in which he covered Black, how could you not like the guy?

So there you have it.......GO SOX!  BOO YANKS!  And may Johnny Demon....(yeah, I said Demon) end up on the DL!

Not certain that I have anything to write about......

But here it goes.....

This Thursday I am going to have one last "meeting" no long called an interview with my church about the position.  I am expecting that I will get hired as the new Youth Coordinator.  I will write more about that, when of if I hear anything.  I learned once that I shouldn't assume one way or the other about being hired for a position and such, so as of now I am holding my feelings in reserve.

There is a vote going on today for various issues in Jacks on County MO, and if I had my choice (lived in Jackson County) I would vote yes for both issues that involve the stadiums.

Speaking of voting....have I ever mentioned that I think that government is enitirely too big?  I once attended a church that tried to tell me how to vote, and why I should vote that way.  It really bothered me.  I think that spirtuality and government should be separate as I think both are very personal.  Bumper stickers that make me laugh are the Jesus is a Democrat/Republican/Liber al.  Those are as funny as they are disturbing.  I didn't know that he was any of them.

This past Sunday at the bible study I lead, we discussed the topic of alcohol.  Several of the teens there had tried it at least once......I am not surprised.  I did when I was their age.  But I told a story about how alcoholism can be a curse upon a family......here's how, it relates to my life.

Let me start by giving a little bit of back ground information.  My dad is my step-dad, who drinks a lot.  A binge drinker on the weekends as he is a truck driver he doesn't drink when he is out, but tries to make up for it when he is home.  When he gets to a certain point of his drinking he gets very abusive.  These days it is more verbal, but there used to be a time where it was physical and directed to my mom. 

So there is that info, so this should make sense now.  When I was 8 years old, on a Saturday night my stepdad came home, completely loaded, staggering drunk.  As was the routine, I heard him come into the house, yeah, it was a trailor house, so really everything could be heard.  I was sort of asleep, but I knew what was going to happen next, so to prepare I burried my head in my pillow so I couldn't hear them yell at each other.  So it began, my and the argument soon had carried out of their bedroom and into the living room/kitchen area, which is closer to my bedroom, so I could hear every f-bomb, every bitch, and every time he decided he wanted to hit or throw my mom around.  This carried on for 10 minutes, when I then heard my mom start to cry.  I couldn't take it any more, so I walk down the hallway turn the little corner to see my mom curled up on the floor crying, and my stepdad standing on the otherside of the kitchen looking like he was ready to take more action.  I stood between the two of them facing up at him, and said "if you touch her one more time, I will kill you."  He then walked over to me, grabbed me by me upper arms, and soon placed me right next to my mom on the floor.  I got up ran past him and ran back to my room, put the pillow over my head and cried myself to sleep.  I do not know what happened next as the rest, I just cannot remember, probably don't want to, I probably block that out. 

My message was this.  It wasn't until years later when I started to drink, that I realized what affect that drinking can have on you, it can literally take over your mind.  I have scared myself several times when drinking, with thoughts and actions.  Alcoholism is a family curse, if one of your parents is an alcoholic, the chances of you becoming one too are very high.  My message continues that I made a vow, and I pray that I will never become an alcoholic, and that I break the pattern of it controlling aspects of my family's life.  Make sure that if there is alcoholism in your family life that it stops with you, that the curse stops with you.  I know that in my family, it will stop with me.

There......I think that is all I have to say.  Gotta work now.

"I am so glad to see you happy again!"

I was told this weekend.  I thought about it and answered so am I.  The person went on to say, I hated to not see you happy, and when you were removed from our lives, and when you removed yourself.

So I tell you that to tell you this.  About 6 years ago, my world was rocked, turned upside down, and things changed.  I was married, and was basically told that I want a separation, and there is nothing that you can do about it, I just need time to myself.  Now, I am not writing this to throw my own pity parade, but I am saying that to let you (the reader) know what was the start of my young demise, my brokeness, my downfall.  Soon after the separation, and knowing that there wasn't a way that I could turn back and make things right again with the marriage, I tried to find someone who liked me, enjoyed that I was around.  Well the divorce happened.........and a few years after my divorce I married again, to the first girl that showed me attention during my divorce.  BIG mistake, the biggest of my life.  Why?  I was far from healed from my first marriage, I tried to make believe that I was, but.......I wasn't.  I was lying to myself, lying to friends, and lying to family.  This is what brings me to my unhappiness and removal from people who knew me.....

I knew deep down inside that I wasn't recovered and there was something wrong.  I was going to a church, (denomination will remain unnamed) but needless to say, I walked away from each service reminded how much of a sinner, and a failure of a human being I was.  I soon became hardened, and a mindless robot controlled by my church and wife, yet, the whole time I was convinced that was the way I was supposed to be, on the outside.  On the inside I was crying because with each passing day my identity was being stripped away, every shred of being was lost, I was a zombie.  To make a long story short out of all of that business, there was a horrible ending to all of that concerning my second marriage, but needless to say it ended with yet another divorce, before the age of 30.  Yet another reminder how big of a failure I was.

So yesterday, my friend who I have known for years, and who's children are in my bible study that I lead every week, when she said to me "I am glad to see you happy again", she also follwed with "and that you are back in the lives of people who loved you."  I replied back with, I didn't want people who knew me and loved me to see me in the state that I was in.  I had no idea who I was, I was clinically diagnosed as being manic depressive.  I got caught up in dead end relationships with people who fulfilled that need of me feeling needed.  Granted those people probably saved my life, but it wasn't the solution to anything. 

So I drank alot, plus the ending dead end relationships, not healed from the first marriage, fresh off feeling like an even bigger failure, not being happy at my job, not going to church, not praying, plus being doped by mind altering pills, and removal from family I was in a hole like no other.  Removal from family and friends I found I had to do, because I didn't want to have people see me how I was, furthermore, I was spiritually dead.  Nothing existed to me.

About a year ago, I met a girl, who about two weeks later became my girlfriend.  We have a great understanding and loving relationship.  It isn't without it's hard times, don't get me wrong.  But it is a great relationship where she allows me to be me and accepts me for who I am.  She understands my desire to serve in my church, and wants to support that however she can.  I am no longer taking pills to combat my depression, as I have sought a natural alternative, which is working out.  I keep my drinking very controlled, and I have a very active prayer life.  I am extremely happy at my job, and friends and family who know me know that I am back. 

I can't recall the last time that I had a bad day....I mean a really bad day, nearly all of my problems are very small in nature, while there was a time I would have obsessed over them.  I think the last bad day I had was when the White Sox eliminated the Red Sox from the playoffs last year. 

All in all, life is good, and I have missed it.  I am glad to be happy again too.